fluffy

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
crosspost busybee
hyratel
gallusrostromegalus

I’ll cop to being, at best, a casual anime fan and an incidental nintendo fan like some sort of goose that got lost on migration and decided to stay for the catchy musical score but I’ve had a thought that’s been making me laugh for like 20 min now:

Replacing any Shonen Protagonist with Legend of Zelda’s Protagonist Horrible Klepto Gremlin and Professional Fightboy,  Link.

Doesn’t matter which link beyond “what’s funniest in this particular scenario”.  Maybe a specific Link, maybe an amalgamation of all Links into a superpowered multidimensional agent of Chaos.  A HyperLink, if you will.

Then plop that bad boy down into the start of any Shonen anime and watch it go completely off the rails.

  • Juevenile Delinquent With A Heart Of Gold Link (really, could you imagine Link in a middle school setting?  not for more than five minutes before he jumps out of the Designated Protagonist Window at the back of the classroom)  dives in front of a car to save a small child’s life.  Botan, the grim reaper in the form of a blue-haired anime hot chick, comes to explain his peculiar situation, only for him to get up halfway through the speech about Karma becuase he still, somehow, has half a heart left, baffling everyone.
  • Local Weirdo Link hangs out in a graveyard every night graverobbing Communing With The Spirits, until Some Nerd keeps getting him into weird situations and eventually he ends up on a plane to America to participate in some kind of tournament for godhood.
    They get all the way to the third round before anyone realized Link doesn’t have a spirit companion, he’s his own Kickass Sword Dude.
  • Famously Young Orphan Link attempts an arcane ritual to bring his mother back, only to be confronted with a Manifestation of all Knowledge In The Universe, who then attempts to take his limbs and a sibling. Link, who has kicked several gods and the actual spacetime continum in the dick before, does not stand for this Malarkey
  • Chronically Ill superhero Toshionori Yagi is looking for someone to take up the quirk One For All and is impressed by the courage of a young maniac attempting to protect the people of the town from a monstrous villain whilst armed with a pointed stick, and takes him on as his apprentice.  Link, surprised to be starting with the Triforce of Power this time, is agreeable to this, and attends superhero high school in hopes of locating the triforces of Courage and Wisdom.
  • Related question: Is Link Literate?  I know him through fragmentary playthroughs of Breath of The Wild, the one with the bird, and the one with the boat and I honestly don’t know if he can read.
  • Professional Monster Ass-Kicker and Sword Collector Link arrives in The Seritei and promptly goes after the Tall Dude With The Elaborate Hair That Monolouges About Power on the assumption he’s found Ganondorf again, and gives Zaraki Kenpachi the fight of his life.
  • The residents of the Village hidden in the lead poisoning Leaves avoid the blond boy with the rap sheet of misdemeanors a mile long and constant nonsensical yelling, assuming his strange ways are due to the fox spirit the previous Mayor of Murdertown stuffed into his intestines as a baby.
    Several Hundred Episodes, a completely destroyed chunin exam and a lot of screaming later, Kyubei comments  “No, he’s Just Like That.”
  • Seto Kaiba, Professional Rich Bitch: “IT’S TIME TO DUEL!!”
    Seto Kaiba, about to learn what Consquences are “…What are you doing with that sword?”
  • The only Shonen Anime Link doesn’t completely send off the rails one way or another is the orginal Dragonball, becuase accepting an extensive and bizzare fetchquest from a random blue-haired chick is 100% in-character for any and all Links.
autisticmight

shounen anime is all well and good, but have you considered the following?

  • chronic vase-breaker link breaks a vase, and is subsequently hounded by six attractive people who need him to flirt with women in order to pay back his debt
gallusrostromegalus

1. Link is, apparently, Literate.  This is a tremendous surprise to me.

2.  You, my good personage, are a GENIUS, becuase somehow Link “Adeventure Is My Middle Name”  McStabbington somehow screw up every shonen anime but stays weirdly on-track for shoujo.  For instance:

  • A Cat hands some Magical Bling that gives the wearer a kickass outfit to Link in exchange for him dealing with some monsters and making some similarly exctingly dressed friends. Link can’t actually pronounce “Moon Prism Power Make Up!” but “HYAAAHGH!!” seems to get the Job done.
    This is honestly a pretty typical Teusday for Link.
  • Local Homeless Weirdo Link is chilling out in the woods when a mudslide happens to his stuff, and local highschoolers take pity on him and invite him into thier mansion, only for him to discover thier terrible curse- if they’re hugged  by someone of the ‘opposite’ gender, they’re transfomed into an animal from the chinese Zodiac.  Shenanigans Ensue when Link, the universe’s Most Androgynous Twink Who Only Knows Gender By Reputation, completely screws up that Dynamic as whether or not the individual changes comes down to what Gender they percive Link as.  Fortunately for them Link is like.  So Good at breaking Curses.
  • Chronic Ancient Library Looter Link opens up a cool-looking book becuase apparently he can read, and like, a zillion cards and a very irritable stuffed animal fly out of it.  The Loud Toy demands he find all the cards again, and fortunately for Keroberos, Link is The Best as insane Fetch Quests.
  • Someone sends Horrible Goblin Child Link off to a prestigious Boarding School in an attempt to domesticate him, but True Cross Academy has a secret: The Night Class is Vampires that are attending school for some godforsaken reason! Masochism, probably.  Can The Human and Vampire Classes ever really live together? The answer is a resounding YES after both band together in terror against the explosives-happy, sword-carrying, urn-smashing, shrieking weirdo that just enrolled. 

  • The only Shoujo that Link immediately Derails is the one where a weird critter with a cute sing-song voice attempts to get him to maka contract.  Link, no stranger to dulicitous creepy little things, immediately shanks Kyubey for the XP.
gallusrostromegalus

So apparently there’s a new Leg of Zeg game out and Link got an engineering degree while I wasn’t looking. Good for him! Let’s talk more Anime:

-A mysterious broadcast signal from the moon turns all humans on earth into stone! Several thousand years later, veteran Time Traveler Link pops out of his stone cocoon, decides that ‘doing it the long way’ sucks, and stomps off to rebuild civilization using random garbage and looney tunes physics.

-A terrible new form of space weapon called a “Mobile Suit” has been created- these child-controlled behemoths cut swathes of destruction as they wage a territorial space war, impervious to all but the most powerful weapons, and that one kid carrying a frankly improbable number of explosives and a smartphone that can manipulate inertia and electromegnetism (??), riding around on what appears to be a rocket-powered tractor.

-While out at summer camp Child of Destiny Link is suddenly transported to the Digital World, where an adorable little blob of an animal declares itself Link’s Digimon Partner! No stranger to having a Weird, Loud little critter following him around, Link is slightly perplexed when the fat orb wants to fight the enormous monster on his behalf. Silly Digimon- that’s HIS job! Grappling hooks his ass up to Devimon’s castle and beats him to death with a tennis racket he found on the way.

-A mysterious book called a DEATHNOTE falls out of the sky in front of Link, who carefully reads the rules, and shrugs, because if he REALLY needs someone dead, He’s going to want to do it in person, and Link has never given a shit about the police. He’s gonna hang onto this book, because it looks like an important quest item, and Ryuk languishes in Links Inventory for the rest of the Series.

-The barbaric battles where legendary and historical figures are summoned to fight on behalf of Mages known as the Grail Wars are rudely interrupted when Link sees Iskandar, assumes it’s Ganon AGAIN, and beats his way through the lineup to get to him, even besting Gilgamesh by putting the king’s inventory skills to shame.

-Salt Middle School gets a new transfer student and Shigeo Kageyama is initially distraught by his teacher assigning HIM to show the New Kid around, but turns out, Link ALSO enjoys Milk, long amicable silences and complaining about getting into stupid battles with the multiverse’s most magically overpowered and emotionally constipated Dumb asses. It’s nice, to have a reliatively uncomplicated friendship for once.

fluffy-critter

Not only is Link specifically literate in pretty much every game (including BotW and TotK), in one of them (ALttP) he learns a whole forgotten language just by picking up a book in the library.

In almost every game he’s at least capable of reading signs, anyway. It isn’t clear if the Zelda 1/Zelda 2 Link(s) are (he never has to read anything himself, he just has to present letters to others) although in Zelda 1 he does pick up a book which upgrades his magic wand and I think most folks assume that he has to read it in order to do so.

link zelda
foone
foone

So the thing is, I've been on hormones for like, uh.. 18 months now. And at some point I'm presumably going to tell my parents, right? They don't know anything about my gender, though they probably suspect I'm not exactly cishet (the most recent picture they've seen of me involved me standing in front of a pride flag! In my own house! A pride flag I DESIGNED! ).

But while I'm sure it'd go fine and they'd be accepting, despite their past dalliances with homophobia and transphobia... I also kinda want to not tell them until I have to. Because that is way funnier.

See, they live on the other side of the country. We haven't seen each other in person in years. At some point that'll change, and imagine how much funnier it'll be if that's way farther along in my transition, and I show up presenting entirely as femme as possible, and just DO NOT MENTION IT.

Is this the right thing to do? The sensible thing? No, probably not.

But it would absolutely be the funniest and most chaotic thing to do. So I am extremely tempted. If it ends up coming up sometime before then I guess I'll come out, but if circumstances work out just right, I might get to walk into their house one day... "Hi son! It's been so long, it's good to see you again. Nice dress, that color looks good on you. Uh, one quick question though, why do you have breasts? WHY ARE YOU A GIRL?"

I dream of that day. Imagine the hilarity and the drama. Beautiful.

crosspost busybee